


Loki est un bouc

by MidnightCity



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Humor, Humorous Ending, Loki is a goat, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 01:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20463110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCity/pseuds/MidnightCity
Summary: Loki retires as a goat on Bucky's farm. There he leads a comfortable life ... until Steve Rogers appears.





	Loki est un bouc

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Baburi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baburi/gifts).

> On a quiet and sunny day while camping in Le Mans - hence the French title, no French is spoken otherwise -, B and I somehow ended up with the plot idea that Loki lives as a goat on Bucky's farm ... and things go from good to worse when Steve appears. Each of us wrote their version of the events, and this is mine. Enjoy :)

Loki had had it now. It was one thing to get tasered by your own brother and unleash the devil but quite another when a big purple giant almost breaks your neck. Consequently, you spend the next few days floating around the vast nothingness only for a spaceship to bump into you, and thumb you out of the way.

Afterwards, Loki had seriously considered revenge. He had wondered how the shitty purple giant would like it if he had his neck broken. After a little more floating, the anger had been replaced by acceptance. He had spent so much of his life being filled with hatred and thoughts for revenge. Only a few months ago had he found a sense of home and he was determined to recover this feeling.

It had taken some more days until he had been able to hitch a ride on a spaceship. Loki decided that he would make the best of it. They were heading for Earth, and Loki had scoffed at first, he had to admit that even though it was puny and not very developed, it had its good sides; there was beautiful fauna and flora, and untouched parts of nature.

While the nature appealed to him, he didn’t fancy having to hunt for his nourishment, or even worse be hunted. He knew that he couldn’t chose a human form either. After all Loki had grown too attached to his human form to live as another and those pesky Earthlings knew him.

Thus, Loki decided that he would live a comfortable life as a goat. His research had told him that they were universally loved, so much even that they were petting zoos that featured them. Not that Loki wanted to be petted by any children. So, he dug deeper until he found a farmer that kept goats and didn’t make them into meals. That suited him and his retirement plans perfectly.

The question of who was answered a few days before the spaceship arrived at Earth. The farm was on a continent called Africa, in a subculture named Wakanda. The goat farm itself was run by an ex-army man who wanted to be left alone and live in peace and quiet. Someone called Bucky Barnes, and Loki could sympathise with his wished; would his name be Bucky, he’d also want to avoid people for the rest of his days.

* * *

As far as Loki was concerned, life as a goat had been good so far. He spent his days lying in the sun and switching to the shadows when it was too hot. Sometimes he climbed up to ridiculous places, only to watch the sweet mixture of confusion and astonishment on Bucky’s face.

“How the hell did you get up there?” he’d ask and would spend the next couple of hours trying to coax him back down.

Despite the silly name, Loki had to admit that he had grown fond of Bucky.

As far as he could make out, he was an ex-soldier, captured and brainwashed by one side. _Been there_. He also guessed that this had been how he had lost an arm. So Loki always tried to resist as little as possible when he had to undergo some annoying goat related procedure. And if he behaved, he always got an extra pet.

While the company of the other goats was at times questionable, the kids and Bucky had a tendency to tell him about their days. So at least he was not bored. And when he was … there was almost the climbing up to odd places option left.

Ever since Loki had arrived in Wakanda, he had not been mistreated once. Most of the goats stayed clear of him, the food was fresh, the sun was warm, and sometimes he managed to catch a glimpse at what these Earthlings would call a “television set”.

Bucky had the tendency to leave the windows pen when watching, and Loki had a tendency to sneak closer to it and keeping his eyes peeled on the screen. So far, he had not missed a single episode of 30 Rock.

As time progressed, Loki even started to consider Bucky as a sort of friend. So, Loki considered himself lucky for his second … third … forth? Chance in life. At least until he heard a familiar voice saying, “Hey, aren’t you new here?”

“Steve, what are you doing here?”

Loki would have asked the same – even if it would have been a completely different tone – as he opened his eyes. Indeed, it was Steve Rogers in all his form and might. Just that he had switched his silly striped outfit for an even stupider wood-worker shirt and jeans. He had learned that expression from the television set and was very proud of it.

For a moment, Loki swallowed as hard as his body allowed him to. What if they knew? What if these so-called Avengers knew were and what Loki was and wanted to tear his new life into shreds? He wasn’t hurting anyone for once. He just wanted peace and quiet!

He couldn’t stop the groaning that his body had made. It was a simple reaction to screaming inside his head. Even worse it turned their attention towards him.

“What’s wrong, Goati?” Bucky asked him and gently petted his head.

_How did a goat farmer in Africa even know stupid Captain America?! _Loki thought bitterly. He must have missed something while researching.

“You named your new goat >Goati?” Steve asked, unable to keep the smirk of his face.

All right, Loki had to admit, that naming him had not been Bucky’s finest moment, but the poor man comes from a family with bad name giving … it’s hardly his fault and probably genetic.

“Yeah, why not?” Bucky shrugged his shoulders. “Couldn’t call him Captain Goat, could I?”

_Buuuurn_, Loki thought; another expression he had heard gotten from the television set and was proud of.

However, Bucky’s remark didn’t have the desired effect. Instead, Steve began to laugh and took Bucky’s hand in his. The same hand that had so delicately petted his head a moment ago.

So, Loki took a few hoof-steps forward and nudged Bucky’s side. _Excuse me._

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Steve began, his voice low. “It’s important.”

Loki gave Bucky another nudge to remind him to pet him again.

“Okay, we better get inside,” Bucky suggested.

Loki thought that this would be an excellent idea. After all the sun was a bit strong now and he couldn’t wait to see the inside of Bucky’s cottage. Maybe Loki could finally get his hooves between those tempting sofa’s cushions. He had considered doing this before but didn’t dare without Bucky’s consent. So he started to trot along. At least until Bucky turned around and said, “Not you, Goati. You enjoy the sun.”

_How dare he?! Didn’t he know who he was talking to?!_ Bucky even had the cheek to smile while he had spoken. _Foolish human!_ However, the only sound he made was an offended bleat.

Bucky frowned but since Loki wasn’t willing to stay put, he reached behind his collar. Loki hoped that he would get another pet.

“That should do it,” Bucky mumbled and towards Steve. “Come on.”

As Loki tried to trot along, he felt a pull at his neck. What the … When he turned he saw that Bucky had attached a leash from a wooden peck to his collar. He couldn’t go anywhere!

Loki angrily sputtered and stomped with his hooves. _Best goat keeper?! Really?! What happened to that?_

He should have known that anyone who even knew Captain America had as many braincells as him: none.

* * *

As far as Loki could tell days, weeks, and months had passed. In reality it had been a few hours.

After one hour, Loki had to admit defeat. He had slumped down onto his keens and could only loaf. However, his eyes remained fixed on the door. He hoped against hope that Bucky would come out after all and free him.

When Loki wasn’t sadly munching on grass to keep occupied in this prison, other goats tried to initiate small talk. Those times were worse than any kind of torture he had ever endured. Loki seriously considered transforming back into his bipedal body when they tried to talk about licking salt. There was only so much one could take.

After seemingly a year, a glimmer of hope appeared. It appeared in the form of a creaking door that opened. This could only mean one thing for Loki: Bucky would return and set him free. Not only that, he would apologise for his short comings. In his solitary confinement, Loki had come to realise that Bucky had quite a few of those but that was the nature of humanity: they were all so terribly flawed, even the best of them. So, Loki wouldn’t hold it against him, it wasn’t Bucky’s fault that he had expected too much.

Plus, it gave him a chance to update his scale and place humans correctly: probably somewhere between real goats and whales.

And yet, when Loki caught sight of Bucky, he couldn’t help but yap in excitement. Not only because he would be free in a few moments but also because Bucky wasn’t wearing a shirt. While Loki wouldn’t appreciate the human brain, he could appreciate the human form. This one was quite impressive, and Loki considered if he could copy some aspects should he ever return to a bipedal form.

Loki rolled his eyes when he heard Steve’s voice from the inside of the house. As soon as Bucky would untie him, Loki would only need to get rid of him. Maybe the problem would even solve itself and Bucky would send him away himself. After all, what could one man want from the other?

Then Steve appeared at the door as well, and much to Loki’s horror Bucky did none of the things he had imagined. Instead, he had to watch something far worse, something he could barely put into words: he had to suffer through watching an almost naked Steve Rogers enclose Bucky and kiss him. Things went from bad to worse, when Bucky leaned into the touch seemingly enjoying it as well.

Loki could feel the grass he had eating try to leave his body in a rather controversial manner.

Then a moan escaped one of the men. Loki really did not want to know why, instead he desperately tugged at his leash. In that moment, he hated the universe and damned it. Was he never allowed to catch a rest? He had been through so much and he wasn’t even allowed to retire in peace. Instead he had to be tortured once more and watch such disgusting mating rituals unfold.

Loki spun around when Steve’s lips started to wander towards Bucky’s chest. Maybe he stood a chance should he be able to chew through the leash. Those were desperate times and he was willing to do almost anything in order to escape.

However, the pull of the leash was keeping him from turning around. _There was a time and place for these things, and now was not it!_ He thought bitterly. Would this goat body be able to, he would be in a puddle of his own tears now.

“Steve wait!” Bucky called out. “The goats.”

Suddenly, a shimmer of hope rose up inside of him. He wouldn’t even care if Steve linger around, as long as someone would free him from this prison.

An icy coldness started to spread across Loki when he was forced to watch Steve Rogers shove a hand into Bucky’s trousers. Which buffoon would even dare to call such a move a courting ritual? And even worse was that Bucky enjoyed it.

Humans really had no common sense anymore, Loki had to admit. Nobody even considered the innocent eyes of goats these days!

“Oh, Steve, fuck ----“

_That’s it!_ Loki could no longer take any of this. He screamed at the thought that there was a real possibility that he would be forced to watch them copulate. How was he supposed to continue living here if he knew that Bucky had done … that … with …. that …

“Fuck this shit,” Loki muttered and turned into his human form.

At least he could take pleasure from the fact that this stopped the … proceedings that had been ongoing.

“What the hell?” Bucky muttered.

At the same time, recognition began to dawn on Steve’s face, but both were too shocked to react. So, Loki used this moment to untie himself. Then he walked away from these dense fools. Loki would find a new home, he knew this much. Maybe he could find Thor and reunite with him.

At the moment, it didn’t matter so much because anything was better than being scarred by what would have happened here.

“Is that Loki?”

Loki heard Steve’s voice. He just about managed to keep his eyes from rolling so hard that he hurt himself. Steve really was not the sharpest knife.

Then Bucky spoke, “Who?”


End file.
